As a single woman, my dating life has had its share of ups and downs. There are times where I am interested in putting myself out there in hopes of meeting my Jon Snow and other times I could care less about kissing yet another frog. Once on a date, the guy told me in a very sheepish voice, “you are pretty perfect and that is intimidating”. I wasn’t sure if I should be flattered or annoyed. As if instantaneously combusting, I became the latter. Why are my ambitions and achievements regarded as a problem that is in need of fixing!?! This of course was not the first time I’ve been told this. Truth be told, I am a very self-assured person and incredibly ambitious – my drive to succeed is fueled by my passion to leave a legacy that is a game-changer for both my organization and my life. Success is built on setting standards and you will find as I have, some people just don’t measure up.
If I were a man, my ambition would be incredibly attractive. My success would be an irresistible fragrance that would linger on the noses of all the women I came across and admired by all the men in my circle. But as a woman, my likeability is unfavourable the more successful I become. Listening to Hillary Rodham Clinton’s book, What Happened, she speaks about the likeability statistics of male leaders versus females leaders. No surprise, male leaders are more liked and trusted the more successful they are while successful female leaders are seen as the anti-christ and villainized. Terms like, charismatic and visionary are used to describe male leaders whereas we get, ballbuster and aggressive. (I am rolling my eyes by the way).
Is it really that difficult for society to wrap their minds around women attaining positions of authority and power once held by men that do not involve scandal and their appearance but instead hard work and integrity? I have had to take a “defiant” stance to erode the stereotypes surrounding gender roles both in my professional career and my family life. Using an assertive tone has labeled me as being disrespectful and pursuing higher education has been seen as limiting my possibilities of attracting a mate. So for me to be less intimating and more attractive or likable, I should lower my standards!?! Making those around me feel more adequate while I feel inadequate!?! Essentially, pretending to be someone I am not – oh hell NO!!!
As a leader, I’ve set high standards for my team, my performance, and my goals. I do demand excellence of myself and those around me – I expect my team to have a “how can we” attitude rather than a “here’s why we can’t” attitude. My standards are to help encourage those around me to operate at a higher level, to envision the possibilities of achievement, and to push past their limiting beliefs. Realizing this is not possible for everyone, you may start out growing people in your life. As for your team members, focus on what they are good at, find opportunities for them to excel at their strengths, and reward them for a job well done. Mentor and coach team members that are passionate about their work and tenacious about their career growth (we call these high potentials or high pots), give them regular feedback both positive and constructive, and create opportunities for them to stretch themselves.
Ambition is infectious and there are those that will admire you and follow while others will deny you and leave. I’ve learned to accept my standards not as a flaw but as a requirement for success, leadership, and life. So if that means I have to wait a little longer for my one true love – so be it. Settling for anything less is not an option. And if I am exceeding all my business objectives because my team is thriving – then I have done many things right.
https://hbr.org/2013/04/for-women-leaders-likability-a
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/nov/06/why-do-we-love-a-trainwreck
