Did you know that resting bitch face is a real thing!?! I recently learned about this over dinner with a fellow female warrior. She was telling me how she doesn’t feel like she fits in at work – she is accomplished, headstrong and an incredible leader that delivers results, and because of her hard work, she was recently promoted. Despite her accomplishment, her female colleagues don’t talk to her and she isn’t part of the boys club. While at an executive meeting, in the restroom, her female colleague told her, “I am scared of you”. WTF does that mean!?! She definitely is not the wicked witch of the west nor Cersei Lannister from Game Of Thrones, so how could she be scary. Still wrestling with that interaction, she confided in a male colleague about the “scary” comment, and in a very kind way, he told her, she has a “resting bitch face”.
This is an actual thing people – no really, it is! I had to google it because I had never heard of this before. According to CNN, resting bitch face or RBF (OMG there is an acronym) is a less than plain expression which has been observed in many prominent public figures both male and female – from Kanye to Queen of England all have RBF. Scientists have developed an algorithm that compares facial expressions between neutral faces to develop characteristics of RBF – unbelievable! I can see how this information is useful for political candidates or heads of state even celebrities but really, there is science to back this up!?!
As I thought more about my fellow female warrior’s story, I too have had the same experience where my body language made another feel anxious and unsure. My crinkled forehead, awkward thick silence, and lack of smile which is uncommon for me because I am always have a sunny disposition created a doomsday scenario. This was invaluable feedback for me as I was unaware of the micro-messaging I was sending. I did not intend to make my colleague feel this way nor did my fellow female warrior want to be scary, in the situations we were in, we both were deep in thought – the gears were turning in our heads and we were processing information, as a result, our body decided to broadcast a different image that was disjointed from our brain activity.
Body language accounts for 90% of communication while only 10% is verbal, so it’s not what you say that is most important, it’s how you say it that has a lasting impression. Knowing that my body language can conduct a symphony of emotional reactions from my team, I have become more aware of how I communicate paying close attention to everything from how I place my hands on the table, to closing my eyes while another is speaking so I can fully engage in the content without visual distractions (this relaxes my facial muscles and becomes a mini-meditation) to regulating my tone and breathing such that my message lands firmly where I had intended. I even try to sit with my legs and arms uncrossed which facilitates a feeling of openness and receptiveness verse the opposite which is defensiveness and combativeness. These simple intentional changes not only have helped me control my emotional responses but helps to create a collaborative environment and a more engaging dialogue; the energy you emit is felt by those in your presence. I also give regular feedback to my team about the micro-messaging they are sending through their gestures, tone, eye contact, posture, etc as they are not aware sometimes of they may be showing up.
I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
– Maya Angelou
References:
https://www.cnn.com/2016/02/03/health/resting-bitch-face-research-irpt/index.html
https://www.mindtools.com/pages/article/Body_Language.htm
