As women, we tend to solicit feedback on our performance to ensure we are operating within expected boundaries. It’s almost as if we are asking permission to lead. Monitoring if we are liked, questioning our assertiveness, and wondering if our tone was too sharp only feeds into our self-doubt which can be viewed as a sign of weakness. Ladies, I can guarantee you that the men are not asking for routine feedback because if they did, there would be a lot more compassionate and self-aware leaders.
Self-doubt has a lingering odor.
I rumble with self-doubt all the time. It’s not something that governs my life but it can show its self when I am in a situation where I am not the subject matter expert or I manufacture a feeling of intimidation by others strictly because of their title(s). My self-doubt is strongest during specific times of the month where it lingers like a bad odor in need to be fumigated. Trying to figure out where this comes from despite my many accomplishments and being able to do many things really well, this still boggles my mind. I do recognize upbringing, conditioning, societal stereotypes and cultural normality have pigeonholed women and men into specific categories with defined expectations which contributes to the self-doubt we experience. But, I have worked very hard to blow all that bullshit up and chart a new course that contradicts, creates discomfort, and establishes endless possibilities for the woman in my life. I witness this battle within my mother as her pride for me is challenged by the stereotypes she has grown up with. With love and patience, I gently push her to do things that were originally defined for men, the accomplishment she feels upon completion of that task, slowly erodes the fixed mindset established many years ago.
Stop asking for validation
In a recent one-on-one with my mentor, I spoke about how I set up one-on-ones with my direct reports. Keeping these conversations more geared toward how the person is doing, their overall wellbeing, challenges they are working through and providing guidance, perspectives, and support to overcome. I then will solicit feedback from them on how I am doing. I always thought that was an appropriate thing to do demonstrate compassion, two-way dialogue, and the desire to keep growing. Well, apparently asking for feedback from my direct reports is a sign of weakness and my mentor advised me to stop doing it and instead keep leading authentically. She validated, I know what I am doing and if I keep asking for feedback it may give the impression, I do not trust myself and lack confidence.
Knowing when to seek validation is key, feedback on a presentation, or talking through several approaches to solving a problem, is appropriate but seeking constant validation for how you live and lead your life is not required. I started paying closer attention to the subtle unconscious ways I was asking for permission rather than commanding direction. This could be someone cutting in front of me in a line and being very polite about their actions rather than letting them know how their actions impact me and others – why is your time more valuable than mine as I was patiently waiting.
So ladies, please stop asking for validation to lead your best life, you know what you’re doing, and the reason I know this, is to take a look at your accomplishments, the relationships you hold true, and the path you have charted for yourself!
References:
https://www.lifehack.org/567587/the-reasons-of-self-doubt-and-steps-to-deal-with-it
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/4-reasons-why-women-subconsciously-seek-validation-from-mohapatra/
